[when i am nothing ~ i will have everything]

today's grey skies gave me a whisper of what to expect from my day; i rolled out of bed at about 6:30 a.m. to toy with the idea of sleeping through going to work to compensate for my lack of diligence getting to bed early. besides, i rationalized to myself, today is the statutory holiday for easter. now. why would i go to work.

extra pay.
obviously.
i sit at my desk. i shake my head.
visions of sugarplums dance in my head.
[i miss you, my darling indulgence. i miss you, my sweet gluttony.]

STOP.
if you are going to continue reading, you are taking the pledge.
the vow. it might as well be a blood oath, because as you sit here reading this you are experiencing the sincerity and desperation of a soul that has only known her own personal secrecy up until this point. respect her vulnerability, and likewise, even if not directly - the universe; other fragments of universal soul - will respect you. it's all connected, never forget. in advance: love + gratitude.

you're still reading. you vow to never speak a word of what you learn of me to anyone outside this board, unless it is between the lot of you, or to me.

i don't want this journal to be simply a standard log of what i'm eating and obsessing over to stay thin. i want to make sure it's raw with what is really happening; coloured less by things and more with the process. the process isn't really about food. it's about us. it's about me, you, and what we need to do to feel more ourselves. because; let's face it; if we felt like how we are supposed to be, then we wouldn't be trying to damned hard to fit drastic ideologies.

angular. amazing, sharp curves. my weakness.

let's start with some of the simple, mundane things though. just for tradition's sake.

call me ixo.

according to a chart found on the internet, for my bonestructure and body type the healthy weight range i am supposed to be in is roughly 140-152 lbs. i have large bones, of which my wide hips and shoulers are made.

Height: 5'8"

CW: i don't know, i'm afraid to jump on the scale. i estimate 140, perhaps even close to 145.

HW: my highest was 152 when i was competitive swimming, most was muscle but i was younger and still dealing with baby fat too. scared me, really. 152? my god.

LW: lowest? 120 lbs coming back from a self-directed tour of europe where i ran out of money and lived on salad and chocolate, walking at least two to three hours a day. my god, my hipbones were amazing.

STGW1: i would be pleased if i could slim down 10 lbs in four weeks from now. April 25th, 2005. that's 2.5 a week, completely reasonable. down to 135lbs. at minimum.

STGW2: 128lbs. usually my plateau, so if i can get here: i'll be cookin'.

LTG: 120-125lbs. if i hover in between here in between a small binge or water weight from bloated period-land, i will be content. i don't want to be much skinnier than that, as it suits me perfectly without pushing me out of proportion. it won't draw attention to my eating habits, and it won't look sickly.

so. roughly 20 lbs. less than my assessed weight recommendation.

i'm not going to bother calculating my bmi. i find most anas are obsessed with numbers and forget about appearance, which is essentally why we all do this. though, i can understand why focussing on numbers rather than the body you're unhappy with would be a welcome distraction. i'm not so concerned about having a weight particular number unless i know how i look at that weight, and i am happy with it. ditto to bmi.

so what am i? ana? mia? ednos?

likely ednos.

techniques. we all have them.

i drink apple cider vinegar in gulps before eating most food; if i'm out with friends for food i obviously can't get away with that. helps slow and reduce the amount of glucose raising your blood sugar, therefore you body can handle it way better. also helps block fat absorption. my roomate watches me do this, i tell him imy main reason is to alkalize your body. that's partially true.

i take 2-3 cayenne pepper capsules with means to promote thermogenesis. allegedly, these can help boost metabolism up to 30%. sometimes i overdo it and take them with EVERY small meal, and this often results in some, uh, 'hot fecal matter'. i get a bit of diarhhea [sp?]. sometimes i do this on purpose to purge. with a slice of cheesecake, i'll take six and even though i feel nauseous later, it's reassuring to know most of it wasn't absorbed.

i was going to the gym and burning about 4-600 calories a day before i fell off the bandwagon. that's why is started coming here; to get back on track. i'm on again off again. who isn't? it's cycle, most things in life are the elegant oragnic round structure.

i've tried throwing up a few meals. can't seem to do it, and i make a helluva lot of noise. doesn't really appeal to me, either.

i have a huge weakness for eating lots. i'm vegetarian, neatly vegan with what i eat. moral reasons, health reasons. i try and make my meals mostly vegetables. negative calorie. or tofu, as soy is amazing for working out and maintaining low calories.

it is important to me to be both angular and healthy. both. i refuse to starve myself to the point of apathy. however, sometimes this leaves room for my overctive mind to rationalize 'eating something healthy...' when i'm not hungry or don't need to. i'm good at that, oh boy am i ever..

i avoid most processed carbs. i will indulge in 1/2 a cup of organic wild rice, or seminola pasta... both have vitamins, the latter being protein rich.. and we know how good protein is for the gym regimen and metabolism..

hm. unlike many of us - i have no problem eating in front of people. in fact, that's my comfort zone. i try to get people to eat with me so i don't feel bad about it. i hate eating alone. if i'm with someone, i can rationalize: i'm having less than this person, and if they can eat that and not get fat then i should be alright too. if i am by myself, i feel terrible about eating.

for some reason i just blanked out with what to say: i suppose i'll return later, like i said: with more to say.

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